Thursday, January 26, 2017

Spilling Rice all Over that Cat's Kimono...Wait?

Do you ever find yourself getting trapped by your thoughts? They swirl round and round. The negative, positive, and everything in between it makes no difference you're consumed.
Being toyed with an eaten alive by these bits of madness.

Stay forever? Maybe, one day, but for now you assume it'll pass if you could only work it all out in your mind. Mapping these instances through, for me personally, it's words. Chaotic word puzzles. Madness. Word puzzles. They all connect in some way, but if I wrote it all down you're likely to wonder, "How the F*** did you get there?" Consumed as these words and phrases intertwine. Confounding and numbing, I space out and slowly begin to dissociate when people are around. Luckily, I'm alone right now, sitting here with nothing but a laptop, music, and a weasel occasionally pawing at my feet for attention.

Recently trying to work through some things in therapy and making an attempt to get our therapist to understand my mind. It's a process. I don't ever mean to be difficult. I am aware of how I come across to many, possibly most, people. I can be confusing and am often misunderstood. I don't think about things emotionally. Which as you may imagine does cause problems from time to time, but my parts do help me with this. Luckily.

An attempt to explain my mind to our Therapist
"Tell you a secret, I'm not alarmed, so what if I'm crazy, all the best people are." -Melanie Martinez, Mad Hatter

If you ask Lewis Carroll, it's all good. I'm totally bonkers but all of the best people are. How true that is, I do not know, but I can tell you there can be comfort found in nonsense. All things can make sense depending on your perspective. If you don't limit yourself then you can get there too. Why you'd want to I'm also, not certain, but limiting yourself to fit another's ideals makes absolutely no sense to me. That in of itself seems a bit bonkers. If you're you and can be, then be that. If you can't be then something is amiss.

Now I imagine this is quite a bit of rambling but I cannot seem to help myself at times. To put it in simple terms, it's who I am and how my mind works. Not due to the DID but just how my brain structures things. I think it would be very interesting if it worked in an emotional way, but it doesn't. It is logic and madness. Glimmers of music and tones and tunes, as well as, running and swirling quotes from anywhere and everywhere often the same exact moments. A game of Tag or hide and seek. Finding the answers can be tricky, I know they're there, but those little bastards seem to escape me at times.

I've spent my life in books, in many respects. Yes, I live in reality, but sometimes don't you wish you still could find that child-like wonder you once held?

I was just discussing this with a friend, who knows I have DID. She's a hoot, funny lady, you'd like her, but she mentioned a few things about kids and such. life in general and saying that it would be very interesting to be able to have not lost that wonder and whimsy in her life. Specifically, we were discussing the book/film, Matilda. She brought up that since some of my parts are much younger than me, being co-conscious with them must be interesting and at times probably even fun. It hadn't occurred to me, but while we were talking I began obsessively thinking about it and it is. She isn't wrong, there are aspects of it I find fascinating, but that's more so because I can feel their--my parts-- excitements, fears, worries, and joys. Something I don't really experience without them.

"It would be so nice if some things made sense for a change." -Lewis Carroll

I can't help it, see? Words, constantly popping in and out of my mind. Given the subject matter here, Lewis Carroll continues coming to my mind. She's the current topic stuck in my brain given recent discussions and the music currently spinning on my internal play list. It's not that it bothers me, so please don't take it that way. I find it interesting. I find it confusing and odd to know most people don't think the way I do. I find many things interesting and am confounded and fascinated by people at large.

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