We are profoundly proud of all the people we're meeting on this venture. Wolf's unmasked writing is brilliant and can help so many see there can be healing during and after some of the chaos and trickery our minds may play.
Psychosis has dominated me my whole life. From the time I could form thoughts, I’ve been consumed by it. My delusions are my most prominent feature of it; they’re complex, persistent, and dangerous. This is my story.
When I was five years old, I was already plotting the murder of everyone I loved. For 14 years, I consistently believed that God had for me one true purpose. My life was like a game; nothing and no one was real. I was the only genuine thing in my environment. I had to prove to God that I was focused and capable. Everyone around me were like pawns in chess, or characters in a video game. I had to prove to God that I could maintain my focus, and not have compassion for things and people that weren’t real. I was incapable of not loving people; I loved my mom, I loved my brothers and sisters, I loved my aunts and uncles, I loved my friends at school. There was nothing I could do to detach myself from these people, and believe me, I tried. I was so harsh upon myself for my feelings of compassion. In order to prove to God that I did not have the love and compassion for these pawns, I was going to have to kill all of them.
Everything I did to act like any other kid was all for show. See, I understood the concept of psychiatric hospitals, therapy, psychiatrists. But my perception of these things were… another challenge in the game. The pawns were programmed by God himself to make things easier or harder depending on my behavior. If I acted like all the other kids, they would leave me be and killing my loved ones would be easier. If I made it known that I was aware of the illegitimacy of my surroundings, I would be put in a psychiatric hospital or some other form of intervention, making it much more difficult to follow through with my one true purpose. For 14 years I maintained the persona of someone oblivious to the fakeness of my surroundings. I went to school. I got solid A's. I participated in Soccer and Sanchin-Ryu, I played percussion in the school’s band. I talked to people and made “friends”. I obeyed the wishes of my authoritative figures. I ate and drank, used the bathroom. I even did things like pretend to be a dog when I was little, or play with toys. But all of it was ingenuine. It was all a show, so that I could easily follow through with my one true purpose once I could work up the nerve. And I couldn’t work up the nerve… I really cared about these people, these pawns.
|Psychosis by: SaintSazzle|
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