Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Me, You & My Mental Illnsesses Too

Relationships are difficult. They take work and time, but even more important they take open communication; without a dialogue in place how can two or more people balance their lives? The simple answer is it is not possible for anyone, in a fulfilling way. Wouldn't you want to be able to openly discuss and understand where your partner(s) is coming from? What they want out of life and what it is you want to achieve together?

This post will be of a more personal nature so bare with me as I (we) look back and expose some of the ups and downs of the relationship with my husband.

The "Meet-Cute"

When we first met my husband, Jynx (19yr old, Protector, Female) was out with friends of hers at a local bar. --For those curious, yes I was of legal drinking age, the trickiness of DID, ladies & gentlemen-- She saw him dancing and was impressed. She is very outgoing and fears nothing, a typical young extrovert in a sense. I'm drastically downplaying who Jynx is and her abilities, but we'll save that for another time. She wanted to dance with him, so she did. He had many personal things going on in his life at the time. Several of which he didn't want to drag "me" into. Which he had no idea at the time, but Jynx could relate to that statement in an epic way. DID and it's varied co-morbidities, remember? Regardless, they danced well into the morning and became friends as time passed.

Friendship Turned Romance

As the relationship progressed I met him and found him so odd. Honesty--haha, sorry babe. Over the years my parts had dated different people of course, but I don't have many memories of them at all. It makes certain things difficult to explain, especially to him, and if I were to be asked point blank about it I would struggle to know what to say. Those answers are tricky as hell and would take several parts to fully explain. We were friends nearly a year before we began dating. Jynx tends to get what she wants. He was difficult, fragile and yet strong. A touch of an enigma really and I myself found him interesting and amusing.

In the beginning of the relationship there were so many hurtles and some challenges of epic proportions. My physical health is also an issue and I had been hospitalized many times because of it during our relationship.

Moving In Together
Off and on throughout the relationship I was hospitalized, as I said. Not for my mental health but my physical health. My body seems to be defective head to toe and there never seems to be a hiatus from this regardless of what else was going on. It is what it is, I suppose. Well one particular weekend--that I still don't have memories of-- this occurred yet again. My mother-in-law had given me a ride to work that morning and had explained to me (after the fact)  and others "something is wrong and she isn't herself." She of course didn't know about the DID, as I hadn't either at the time, but she stayed at my work until my, then boyfriend could arrive. 

Upon entering work I had apparently, been having difficulty speaking or couldn't at all, lit a cigarette became abrasive and straight up pissed, then frightened and unsettled. One of my coworkers, understandably, assumed something was wrong with my blood glucose levels and so called my significant other. I'm a type one Diabetic so she just assumed it was that. They assisted me getting out to the car, where my mother-in-law had been and I was taken to the hospital right then.  

Additionally, my closest friend had arrived and had told me that I was asking for not my parents, but my mother specifically, which was completely out of character for me in every way possible. I then proceeded to scream profanities at my father and told him to leave. This is a major understatement but the best I can put out there right now. This friend had told my parents they needed to leave and I clearly "wasn't myself." Moving on...

Having seen some of this exchange my now father-in-law said that I could not go back to live with them and had me move in upon my being released from the hospital. This seemed to calm some of my parts and I would guess, frighten others, but regardless of which category we moved in with my then boyfriend (now husband) and his family.

This is a time of my life that I don't remember much of. If I did perhaps our lives would be easier. We definitely had (& have) a tumultuous relationship. It is difficult, nearly every day, but he tries as do we.

Sean & Jynx

The Break Up
Coming back to the difficulties of relationships...This is yet another instance I do not remember, but apparently we've had two wicked break ups. One stemming from over drinking and the second resulted from more of the same.

I've only ever heard about it through other people's explanations and now in therapy through my parts discussion and sharing. I have never been one to date or rely on any individual for anything. I prefer to figure it out myself or simply go without. My parts on the other hand, while they are very independent in some instances and don't rely on others, some do actually like people. It's a tricky business this DID and often you'll find has many contradictions and added problems.

During one of these break ups; shortly before we were leaving for the Mayo Clinic. We were told to leave. He became very upset and surprised when Jynx did exactly as she was asked. That very night in fact, she packed and left. Had my brother help her pick up the few things she had left behind, but only after my husband called and asked me (who he then thought was me) to talk to him and that I still had more things at the house. She told him to throw it all away as it was of no use to her.

Planning A Wedding
From break ups, moving in together again, and then planning a wedding. When we want something, we tend to make it happen. Regardless of what that is or how seemingly difficult it may be to obtain it, we make it work any and every way imaginable.

We were renting a house and made the decision to get married. I am not what you'd call an overly needy or romantic person, not that there's anything wrong with it but I tend to lean the opposite way. So, we discussed our options and what we wanted, briefly and I was minimally involved in that discussion. Unfortunate? Maybe, but life before I knew I had DID was tricky as hell. 

Yes, we had already gone and returned from the Mayo Clinic at this point, that amazing neurologist did in fact seem to see what was happening and referred us to the doctor we see today, but I hadn't yet met her nor had I learned of my diagnosis.

What Now?
This is a question for which I do not have an answer. I don't think any of my parts do. I know what some of them think and I know it is hard, but I also find people interesting. Which I think adds to some of the difficulties we have. I don't really connect with people well, on any sort of level in regards to relationships of all sorts. It causes tension, but so does the major lack of communication.

It's a battle every step of the way and when you've spent your life fighting for everything, giving up numerous times and then picking yourself back up and beginning over from scratch this process becomes exhausting for some and just mundane for others. For my parts the former is true and myself would be the latter.

My husband and I had one of the first ever therapy sessions together -- as far as I can recall-- that went well. Very well in fact. Something that encourages many parts of me and confuses others. Good things, especially consistent things we tend to find even more troubling. So despite his continuing to show up, most of the time, it is still difficult.

Another example of why we consistently state, "Normal is Illusion. What is Normal for the Spider is Chaos for the Fly." Because damn it's so true. We are working on finding our normal, my normal, in all aspects of my life and that includes my relationship with my husband.

Bob actually took this of Sean & I together before my Dx. ;)

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